You chase the referral, take the call from school, calm the meltdown at the door and remember every appointment. And somewhere along the way, there’s nothing left for you.
If you’re parenting a child with SEN and running on empty, you’re probably the person everyone else leans on. The parent carer, the organiser, the one who fills in the EHCP forms and is “on” all the time. It’s a lot to carry, and most of us carry it without ever stopping to refill.
In this post I’ll look at what running on empty really feels like, why it happens to so many SEN parents and carers, and the small, gentle ways to start topping yourself back up. Not a week at a spa. Just fifteen minutes at a time.
What does running on empty feel like for parent carers?
It doesn’t always look like tiredness. Often it shows up in smaller, quieter ways:
- Snapping at the people you love, then feeling awful about it.
- Everything irritating you, even someone breathing too loudly near you.
- Saying “I’m fine” on autopilot, when you’re anything but.
- Not remembering the last time you did something just for you.
- Resenting the things you used to love giving, like cooking the Sunday dinner or having the family over.
None of this makes you a bad parent, partner or friend. It means you’ve been giving out much more than you’ve been taking in.
Why do so many SEN parents run on empty?
Caring for a child with additional needs is often the busiest caring season of your life. There may be other children at home too, plus work, a home to run and perhaps ageing parents to keep an eye on, and there’s very little left over.
On top of that sits the extra layer: the appointments, the forms, the fighting for support, the constant alertness. It’s no wonder the tank runs dry.
The trouble is that the giving is built into every day, but the refilling never is. Nobody schedules it for you. So unless you make a little room for it yourself, it simply doesn’t happen.
Is running on empty the same as being tired?
Not quite. Tiredness is about your body, and a good night’s sleep can help. Running on empty is more about your heart and mind. You can sleep for nine hours and still wake up with nothing left to give.
If you’re physically worn out too, and you’ve felt that way for a few weeks, it’s worth booking a GP appointment to check what else might be going on.
How do I stop running on empty, 15 minutes at a time?
When you’re running on empty, you don’t need another big plan. You need small, regular top-ups that are just for you. Here are the calm moments I come back to most, and you’ll find more simple self-care ideas for SEN parents who always come last too. And remember, children borrow our calm, so every little top-up for you helps them too.
1. Drink one hot drink while it’s still hot
How many cups of tea have you reheated, or found cold on the side hours later? Sit down with one and don’t get up until it’s finished.
2. Have ten minutes before anyone needs you
Starting the day already on call drains you before it’s begun. A few quiet minutes first, before the phone and the questions, means you start with something in the tank. Try waking ten minutes early and just sitting with your tea before you check your phone.
3. Make a corner that’s only yours
When the house is full of other people’s things and other people’s needs, one small spot that belongs to you makes a real difference. A chair, a blanket, a lamp. No phone.
4. Do one thing just because it feels good
Not because it’s useful, or because someone needs it. Just because you enjoy it.
5. Say it out loud to a friend
You’re so used to being the one who listens. Let someone listen to you for a change. Ring a friend, or another SEN parent who gets it, just to catch up.
6. Be as kind to yourself as you are to everyone else
You’d never tell a friend she wasn’t doing enough. Try writing to yourself the way you’d write to her: a short, kind letter about everything you’re carrying.
Why do I feel guilty taking time for myself as an SEN parent?
When you’ve spent years putting everyone else first, stopping can feel selfish, even for fifteen minutes. But a few minutes of rest doesn’t take anything away from the people you love. It’s what lets you keep showing up for them without resenting it.
If the guilt is loud, start smaller. Five minutes counts. So does a cup of tea in the car after the school run, or in the waiting room before an appointment.
Ask for one thing this week
Refilling isn’t only about adding nice moments. It’s also about letting a little less leak out. Choose one job this week to hand over, say no to, or do less perfectly. Someone else can do the school run. The ironing can wait. You don’t have to hold it all.
When it’s more than running on empty
Small moments help, but they can’t fix everything. If you feel low most days, can’t cope, or feel you’ve lost interest in life, or if it’s lasting or getting worse, please speak to your GP. Mind and the NHS have helpful information on stress. As an SEN parent you may count as a carer, and Carers UK offers advice and support for carers. And if you need to talk to someone right now, Samaritans are there day or night on 116 123.
Looking after you is part of looking after them. For more calm moments made for parents and carers of children with SEN, visit Self-care for SEN parents and carers. And if you’d like simple 10-minute activities to help your child, Mooki Cards starter packs are free until 31 January with the code HELPEVERYCHILD.
